Pirate The World - Online Adventure Game

If dear Abby were a man.....

Dear Mr. Abby

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

roflmfao.

A guy and his girlfriend were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

He said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, he went to sleep.

The very next day he opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. They went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. He walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so he told her he'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so he said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

They went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought he was one wave short of a shipwreck. He started to think she was testing him because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

He threw her for a loop when he said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

The guy could hardly contain himself when he blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

Hw then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill him, he added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently he's not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows he's smarter than her.

25 THINGS A PERFECT WOMAN WOULD SAY
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few
joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play
on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new
clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with
the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the king mall again!, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get
that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

Adam & Eve



Adam is walking down a beach, lamenting about how lonely he is... "DAMN I'm lonely!" when suddenly the clouds part, lightning flashes, and the voice of God booms down "ADAM..."

"Yes Lord?"

"Do you want... a woman?"

"Sure!" so suddenly, there appeared a beautiful woman... Adam was so happy and smitten! They messed around a bit, touching, when suddenly the primal urge overpowered them and they had intercourse... After they were done, Eve asked Adam to go down on her...

"Are you crazy? Not with that 'stuff' in there! Go wash it out!" So Eve ran down into the ocean and commenced the cleansing... Suddenly the clouds patted, lightning flashed, and the voice of God boomed out, louder than before...

"ADAM!!!"

"Y-yes Lord?"

"How do you expect me to get that smell out of the fish now???"

Contract For A Wife

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like 'So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!' and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of
your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as 'making love'), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a 'cute' nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner.
And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have 'ruined me for other men'.

Section 6.01 I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.02 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed __________ (female)

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

haha

nice ice

THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF JERKING OFF!

Do jerk off as much as you like. Don't worry, you
won't go blind from jerking off unless you shoot
sperm in your eye.

Do try to put yourself in an area where you won't
be caught. (Jerking off while at your desk at work
is a no-no. Also jerking off while on your way to/from
work on the subway train or on a bus is also considered
bad manners too)

Do have a place to shoot your load already set up.
(This can be an empty drinks can, or other handy
receptacle)

Do hide your spankerchief so no one can find it.
(Leaving it in full view of everyone is considered
as bad taste)

Do jerk off in the shower as this will hide any
and all evidence of your perverted behaviour.

Do drink cranberry juice as often as you can. This
builds up your sperm count incredibly! (Or so i
have been told)

Do not get sperm on yourself. especially if you
are wearing your best suit and are going to a
job interview, or wedding, etc.

Do not shoot your load on a thick rug and then try
to clean it up with toilet paper. Especially if
you are at someone else's house, as this is also
considered bad manners.

Do not hold your load in as long as you can in hopes
that you'll shoot it across the room. This can cause
irreversible damage to your Johnson, and severely
limit future jerking off sessions.

Do not flex your legs too hard before you blow your
load or you'll get a cramp and ruin the moment.

Do not use your porn magazines as your spankerchief.
That is future jerk off material and if you spunk in
it, you won't be able to use it again! (There's
nothing worse than spunk mags with pages 'glued'
together.)

Do not ever jerk off while taking a ****. That is
**** disgusting!

Do not attempt to stick your finger in your ass
while jerking off. That would make you gay. (Not
that there's anything wrong with that) Get
someone else to stick their finger in your ass
instead.

Do not use Icy Hot for lubrication!

Do not, under any circumstances, try to shoot your
load into your own mouth! (unless you're gay, then
it's ok) The main reason is you have a 99% chance
that you'll miss your mouth anyway.